You Know You're A Mom...

This is my own personal list. Please feel free to make your own.

1. You seriously contemplate driving four hours to a monster truck rally just to hear your five-year-old scream in joy, "Monstah Jaaaammmm!"

2. At one point in your life, you have told a child (without giving it a second thought), "quit touching the cat's tail with your weiner."

3. You then followed it up with, "I don't care if it tickles; it's just not right." Again, without a second thought.

4. You tell your child they have onion pits. And then you let him/her use your deodorant.

5. You prefer to watch "Chowder" over the nightly news.

6. You know all the names of the characters in "Chowder" and give your child status updates on the episodes they missed.

7. Fancy dining is done at Applebee's - take-out.

8. You automatically whip out the Ranch dressing at dinner time, because ranch goes good with everything.

9. You know what "bustin' a grumpy" and "floatin' an air biscuit" means, and see it practiced daily.

10. You expect a third, fourth, or fifth person in your bed every night. And not in a good way ;-).

11. It's natural to pick other people's noses for them. And eye boogies as well.

12. You own THAT book. You know the one which explains the birds and dah beez. And you dread the day you have to show it.

13. You know where the bathroom is located in every store or eating establishment and you know if it contains a changing table - by memory.

14. You run a nudist colony but don't partake amongst the festivities for fear of being laughed at.

15. On some days, you look forward to going back to work and talking to a grown-up.

16. You can't relate to Martha Stewart.

17. You refuse to give away your eleven year old daughter's baby clothes because it's too final.

18. You have the gag reflex of a sword swallower.

19. The release of a new Pixar/Disney/Nickolodeon movie is exciting to you because you know it buys you at least a two hour sanity break.

20. You have naughty thoughts about Sportacus from Nick Jr.'s "Lazy Town" and wish they'd put out new episodes. It's honestly the second show (see #'s 5 & 6) you don't mind watching with your kiddo.

Ok, I know there are more out there...List away!

School Daze

Everyday when I take my kids to school, I hope and pray we do not get into an accident. Sure, it's mainly because I worry about their health and safety and would die if something ever happened to them. But, there is another reason my quest for a safe departure and return...

I'm a total hag in the morning.

Things I don't do prior to dropping the kids off include but are not limited to the following:

* Brush my teeth
* Comb my hair
* Talk
* Wear a bra
* Change out of my pajamas
* Clean the sleep out of my eyes
* Smile
* Remove yesterday's make-up
* Wipe the drool stain off the side of my face
* Look at myself in any reflective surface

Things I do prior to dropping the kids off include but are not limited to the following:

* Get my coffee
* Put on my Jackie O. sunglasses
* Grumble
* Um, yeah, that's pretty much it.

Can you see why I wouldn't want to get in an accident? I would die just from the embarrassment alone.

What's your morning ritual? Are you a better Mommy than I am? Do you look as pristine as Tammy Faye when you drop off your kidlets?!

HAWTness

I let each of the kids pick out their Halloween costumes this year.  After much bickering, each of them settled on a costume unique to their personality and Halloween wishes.

The hellion (a.k.a. Gunny) decided he wanted to be a pirate and immediately demanded I run to Safeway and buy him a parrot for his shoulder.  After we discussed the lifespan of a bird, it was decided that a plastic sword would be much more practical.  I did not negotiate with him over his request to give up an eye so it would like "weally cool unda da eyepatch."   

My quiet monster, Caid, settled on a Star Wars character.  I could tell he wasn't too keen on how tight the costume fit him by the look of surprise on his face.  He streaked through the house with his Jane Fonda leotard on, embarrassed that he didn't quite look the part of a rough and tough Star Wars character.   It was decided he'd still wear it as long as he got to wear the mask that disguised his identity. 

When it came to Mattea's turn, she skimmed thru tons of websites until she found the right costume; a gothic Little Red Riding Hood.  The costume was super cute and the addition of the red Morticia wig totally gave me the impression she was going to listen to Nirvana and start wearing black eyeliner.  It was settled and all the costumes were purchased.

About a week ago, my BFF texted me and asked if Mattea was really going to be a "hot Red Riding Hood."  I laughed and texted back, that no, she was a "goth" Red Riding Hood and she must have said it wrong.  Surely Miss Mattea wasn't interested in the "hawtness" factor at this age.

When she got home from school, I quizzed her about her costume description.  She immediately had a grin on her face she tried to hide.

"Well Mom, I am gonna be a HAWT Red Riding Hood.  I'm wearing fishnets, remember?" 

Wow, how could I forget such a fact on the hawtness scale.  The fishnet factor immediately doubled up the sex-ay-ness points I had so carelessly forgotten. 

Needless to say, she will be wearing tights underneath her fishnets.  I'm not ready for fifth grade hawtness nor am I ready for her to realize that this hawtness would even matter.

I really feel bad for her first boyfriend.

Dirty Nipples

Sorry for the delay in posting...I've become a blog slacker and I'm hellbent on fixing my neglectful ways.  Before I jump back on the wagon with long, drawn out embarrassing stories of both myself and family, I'd like to tell you what happened to me in Target today.  I can't take my children anywhere without some sort of event, comment, or otherwise comical episode occuring and today was no different.

I was tasked with the responsibility of buying a baby gift. This person had registered at Target and included in her list were breast pads.  Knowing the importance of these little suckers, I decided to buy her a box along with the other goodies we had chosen for her.

As the kids and I perused the baby section, we slowly walked into the aisle containing the breastfeeding supplies and I looked for the brand she had registered for.  I began to hear whines of "oh my gawd!" and "this is so disgustin'!" from my little heathens, as the older two quickly began to read the box labels and realize what we were looking at.  

I'm a huge proponent of breastfeeding and nursed each of my kids to the point of feeling like I was part Holstein.  I'm proud of the fact I nursed and treasure the moments I had with each of my kidlets.  I reminded them of this fact as they professed their disgust and continued to hide their eyes and feign anxiety attacks in Aisle 17. 

Mattea, particularly disgusted, replied, "Well, I certainly didn't look." 

Hmmm.  She had her eyes shut every nursing session.  It's good to know she was able to be embarrassed and have modesty at such a young age. Whatever.

As I picked up a box of the pads, I heard a gasp emit from Mattea's lips and I looked over to see her staring at the baby bottle brushes.

"What?  Those are for scrubbing out baby bottles.  What's the deal?"  I asked as I watched her with a horrific look spreading across her face.

"Mom, it says NIPPLE brushes.  They're for NIPPLES."

Again, I corrected my little overthinker as Caiden cracked up and Gunny remained oblivious.

God forbid I ever have another baby...